Introduction

Sometimes that money you put over the counter at the cinema isn't enough for the big studios. They also need product placement in order to make the film a financial success, and when done right it can help make the film feel a little more real.

But most of the time it just feels like one big advert.

Some product placements really takes you out of the action as the protagonist spends 30 seconds twiddling the new smartphone around in their fingers before they make the phone call that saves the day.

We've collected some of the worst phone placements in cinema history - all of them are bad, but some are much worse than others.

Transformers - N93i

There are many issues with Michael Bay's original Transformers movie – the least of which is the product placement, but it's still quite gratuitous. Anything in the Transformers movie can be turned into an Autobot or a Decepticon and Bay proves it by putting the new Nokia N93i into a cuboid and zapping it full of energy.

When it's placed in the cube it's even in the unique upright position showing it can be used as a camera as well. This way the audience get to see what phone it is and really understand the narrative purpose of it being a Nokia. If only all our mobile phones could turn into robots.

Skyfall - Sony Xperia T

Bond movies are the worst for product placement; they've been built on it ever since Sean Connery's Bond sat next to a can of Red Stripe in 1964's Dr No. The most recent Bond film, Skyfall, features a phone again, but it isn't as obvious as some other films.

The worst part of this is the backstory, revealed in leaked Sony emails. It proved Daniel Craig was paid £3.3 million to hold the Sony Xperia T in the latest film even though neither the actor or Sam Mendes though the phone was one that James Bond would use.

The Amazing Spider-Man - Everything

Did you know that Sony Pictures Entertainment produced the Amazing Spider-Man films? You might have thought something was up - not because of any spider senses you could have picked up from a radioactive spider bite - but because the films are packed to the (cobwebbed-filled) rafters with Sony products.

Not only does Spider-man use a Sony Vaio laptop when he's not saving the day, the exploits of super villains are watched on Sony Xperia tablets, while news reports beam from old Sony CRT TVs.

Perhaps the most blatant example of product placement in the films is that everyone in New York appears to have a Sony Xperia smartphone of some sort. Spider-Man even saves someone who listening to music on their Sony handset. Despite being a film about superheroes, this is by far the most unrealistic aspect.

Tomorrow Never Dies - Sony Ericsson JB988

In nobody's favourite James Bond film, the 1997 Pierce Brosnan-starring Tomorrow Never Dies, 007 had a rather unsexy Sony Ericsson handset that came with a few neat tricks.

Packed with more tools than a giant Swiss Army Knife, it allowed Bond to scan fingerprints and remotely control a BMW 750iL car. He could also use it to electrocute henchmen with 20,000 volts, a feature that Sony surprisingly left out of any of its real-world phones.

Sony Ericsson actually built 12 phones for the film, four of which were used on screen, and each one was supplied with a letter of authenticity from Ericsson.

The Dark Knight - Nokia 5800 XpressMusic

It's hard to believe that when the second of Christopher Nolan's Batman films emerged, we'd only had one iPhone, and Nokia was yet to actually create a proper touchscreen phone.

What's harder to believe is that Nokia actually put its first effort at taking on the iPhone (the 'Tube', later unveiled as the 5800 XpressMusic) in the Dark Knight, yet didn't tell anybody about it.

Only a few hardcore phone journalists noticed this secret Nokia product in the film (the bit where Morgan Freeman is asked to leave his phone at the desk) – making it all the more curious why Nokia took the risk of putting such a high-profile, unreleased phone in a film… only to stay silent about it.

The Matrix - Samsung SPH-N270

Phone-movie tie-ins don't get more iconic than 1999's original Matrix film and Nokia's 8110 handset. That phone was imbued with the now-synonymous snap opening mechanism specifically for the film, and cult status was born.

Which makes the decision to partner with Samsung and make this monstrosity all the more curious. Instead of understated geek-chic, the Samsung SPH-N270 was designed specifically for the film and seemed to be hewn out of the offspring of a rock and a box of wires.

The snap mechanism was clearly a deal breaker, but Samsung's take of the earpiece popping up made little sense. Given the movie was set only a few months after the original, why did Morpheus upgrade his entire team's phones?

Maybe it wasn't all fight scenes and exciting chases in the Matrix world. Maybe he was out shopping one day and popped into his local phone shop and was offered a terrific bundle deal. Maybe Samsung paid an extraordinary amount of money to make the promotional items for the film, defecating all over one of the best bits of the original.

Who knows, eh?

Introduction

Sometimes that money you put over the counter at the cinema isn't enough for the big studios. They also need product placement in order to make the film a financial success, and when done right it can help make the film feel a little more real.

But most of the time it just feels like one big advert.

Some product placements really takes you out of the action as the protagonist spends 30 seconds twiddling the new smartphone around in their fingers before they make the phone call that saves the day.

We've collected some of the worst phone placements in cinema history - all of them are bad, but some are much worse than others.

Transformers - N93i

There are many issues with Michael Bay's original Transformers movie – the least of which is the product placement, but it's still quite gratuitous. Anything in the Transformers movie can be turned into an Autobot or a Decepticon and Bay proves it by putting the new Nokia N93i into a cuboid and zapping it full of energy.

When it's placed in the cube it's even in the unique upright position showing it can be used as a camera as well. This way the audience get to see what phone it is and really understand the narrative purpose of it being a Nokia. If only all our mobile phones could turn into robots.

Skyfall - Sony Xperia T

Bond movies are the worst for product placement; they've been built on it ever since Sean Connery's Bond sat next to a can of Red Stripe in 1964's Dr No. The most recent Bond film, Skyfall, features a phone again, but it isn't as obvious as some other films.

The worst part of this is the backstory, revealed in leaked Sony emails. It proved Daniel Craig was paid £3.3 million to hold the Sony Xperia T in the latest film even though neither the actor or Sam Mendes though the phone was one that James Bond would use.

The Amazing Spider-Man - Everything

Did you know that Sony Pictures Entertainment produced the Amazing Spider-Man films? You might have thought something was up - not because of any spider senses you could have picked up from a radioactive spider bite - but because the films are packed to the (cobwebbed-filled) rafters with Sony products.

Not only does Spider-man use a Sony Vaio laptop when he's not saving the day, the exploits of super villains are watched on Sony Xperia tablets, while news reports beam from old Sony CRT TVs.

Perhaps the most blatant example of product placement in the films is that everyone in New York appears to have a Sony Xperia smartphone of some sort. Spider-Man even saves someone who listening to music on their Sony handset. Despite being a film about superheroes, this is by far the most unrealistic aspect.

Tomorrow Never Dies - Sony Ericsson JB988

In nobody's favourite James Bond film, the 1997 Pierce Brosnan-starring Tomorrow Never Dies, 007 had a rather unsexy Sony Ericsson handset that came with a few neat tricks.

Packed with more tools than a giant Swiss Army Knife, it allowed Bond to scan fingerprints and remotely control a BMW 750iL car. He could also use it to electrocute henchmen with 20,000 volts, a feature that Sony surprisingly left out of any of its real-world phones.

Sony Ericsson actually built 12 phones for the film, four of which were used on screen, and each one was supplied with a letter of authenticity from Ericsson.

The Dark Knight - Nokia 5800 XpressMusic

It's hard to believe that when the second of Christopher Nolan's Batman films emerged, we'd only had one iPhone, and Nokia was yet to actually create a proper touchscreen phone.

What's harder to believe is that Nokia actually put its first effort at taking on the iPhone (the 'Tube', later unveiled as the 5800 XpressMusic) in the Dark Knight, yet didn't tell anybody about it.

Only a few hardcore phone journalists noticed this secret Nokia product in the film (the bit where Morgan Freeman is asked to leave his phone at the desk) – making it all the more curious why Nokia took the risk of putting such a high-profile, unreleased phone in a film… only to stay silent about it.

The Matrix - Samsung SPH-N270

Phone-movie tie-ins don't get more iconic than 1999's original Matrix film and Nokia's 8110 handset. That phone was imbued with the now-synonymous snap opening mechanism specifically for the film, and cult status was born.

Which makes the decision to partner with Samsung and make this monstrosity all the more curious. Instead of understated geek-chic, the Samsung SPH-N270 was designed specifically for the film and seemed to be hewn out of the offspring of a rock and a box of wires.

The snap mechanism was clearly a deal breaker, but Samsung's take of the earpiece popping up made little sense. Given the movie was set only a few months after the original, why did Morpheus upgrade his entire team's phones?

Maybe it wasn't all fight scenes and exciting chases in the Matrix world. Maybe he was out shopping one day and popped into his local phone shop and was offered a terrific bundle deal. Maybe Samsung paid an extraordinary amount of money to make the promotional items for the film, defecating all over one of the best bits of the original.

Who knows, eh?

The awards are coming

We're getting really excited about the TechRadar Phone Awards as they're now less than a week away. We'll see the best phones, tablets, smartwatches, apps and innovations battle it out for the chance to be crowned the best of 2015 - and on top of that we're running Phone Week too, with loads of great content coming in the next 7 days (including a clue on what the new iPhone 7 will look like).

Don't think all this excitement means we're taking our eye off the ball, and we're here to deliver the tenth edition of Keitai. This week talk you through getting an app refund on Android, get the exciting penultimate episode of our unicorn adventure and grannies show us why mobile phones are an old person's game.

How to refund an app on Google Play

Ever suffered from buyer's remorse after splashing some cash on a fancy new app or game? Well fear not, for you can get your money back - for a limited time.

Google allows you to request a refund of any paid for application (including games) in the Play Store within two hours of purchase.

That's quite a decent time window, but there will still be some apps where that's not enough time to fully test out whether it's right for you. It's the risk you take.

To get your refund head to the app's page in the Play Store and next to the 'Open' button at the top you'll see a green on white 'Refund' button.

If you miss the two hour window you'll instead see an 'Uninstall' button, and your chance of a hassle free refund will have passed.

All hope is not lost however, and if there is something inherently wrong with the app you purchased you can contact the developer directly to request a refund. Scroll down to the bottom of the app's page in Google Play and you'll see an option to email the developer, where you'll need to send a detailed explanation as to what's wrong to have the best chance of getting a refund.

The one before the finale

"Can someone turn the spotlight up? I can't see anyone here!"

The light illuminating the centre of the table grew wider, faintly showing the 12 animals sitting around the edge.

"Thanks, that's better", said the dolphin, spraying himself with a misting machine.

"I call this meeting to order," said the panther. "This could be the most important of our history, so let's not waste time. Winston has left the ship, he found the final BlackBerry supply and Decimatrix is after him."

A collective gasp rang around the table. "You… you mean he knows we took Winston? He's left his office? He's not done that in centuries!" gibbered a baboon.

The panther paused. "Yes, I know. It's bad."

"How was Winston allowed to escape? Were we not guarding him?" asked a rhino haughtily.

"Yes, but he couldn't know what was happening. If he knew he was the key to the future of the Phorest, he wouldn't have been able to handle the pressure…" began the panther, before the rhino interrupted.

"THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Look, I don't know what your plan is, but it's clear you're not the right fit. All this talk of prophecy and destiny and the 'future of the Phorest' is poppycock. You told me that this unicorn was important, and I indulged you, but clearly that was a waste of time.

"Now we have an evil Impossible on the move, and it's all your fault. I move that you be dismissed from Les Animaux forthwith, and you be ejected from…"

The rhino suddenly found himself sprawled on the floor, chair sent flying, with the panther pressing a paw to his neck.

"Listen, you jumped up, overweight, leather-arsed, pompous fool – this is bigger than you can possibly know," breathed the panther, his hot breath spreading all over the rhino's face.

"I can't help the thick hide…" started the rhino, before the panther shoved his face even closer.

"You don't know the first thing about what's going on here, you fool. Winston cannot know of his importance, otherwise he could fall apart.

"We're lucky we managed to get to him in time. His robotic reconstruction nearly sucked his soul out, and his dalliance with the council and their foolish belief that Nokia phones hold the key to all existence could have derailed all of our plans."

The panther loosened his paw long enough for the rhino to scramble away, breathing heavily.

"Look, you need to trust me," said the panther, addressed the assorted animals around the table. "Decimatrix has never left his lair before, and if he's finally become mobile, it must mean he knows how important Winston is.

"Yes, we should have locked the final BlackBerry store – he was never supposed to see that we had the final stock of BlackBerry phones left in the world. The fact he has the Storm in his possession is bad, but not unmanageable."

A small meerkat poked his hand up. "Why does it matter what phone he has?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"It is the phone that Decimatrix is connected to. He and Winston are the only two beings that lust after the touchscreen clickiness it offers – and if Winston has hold of one, we're in real trouble.

"We were already worried when we had to use the first Storm to help him live during the operation," lamented the panther, hanging his head. "But the power was masked by the other phones we used, and we believed that Decimatrix would not have been able to feel the power.

"But if he activates the other one, then we're doomed."

The group looked at him in stunned silence. "We always knew this day would come," said the meerkat.

"It doesn't matter…" began the rhino.

"SHUT IT!" screamed the meerkat, startling the room. "This is no time for egos. The unicorn must be found, we need to stop Decimatrix… I will not let my meerkits grow up in a world of terrible phones.

"I'm glad you're on board," said the panther. "Winston can harness the power for good, so we must find him, and soon, before Decimatrix gets to him first."

-----------

Winston landed hard, the fog turning out to be not very thick at all. In fact, the ship seemed to be hovering only 10 feet above, which seemed pointless.

He gathered himself together and trotted forward, trying to work out where he was. The air, thick and acrid, offered him no clue, and he could only follow the strange compulsion he had to keep heading forward.

Decimatrix suddenly felt him. The unicorn was on the move… he could sense his very presence. He was close. The end would be coming soon.

I want more power!

Having your phone run out of juice when you're out is certainly frustrating, but while the inconvenience will have you cursing the manufacturer you're unlikely to be quite as upset as this particular lady in Hong Kong.

Simply put, she's not best pleased that her iPhone has run out of juice.

Scary press shot of the week

A 7-inch smartphone is no laughing matter, so just what is tickling the fancy of this intrepid trio? It's certainly not the gargantuan Samsung Galaxy W, that's for sure.

Actually they're controlling the world's traffic jams, and laughing manically as they watch you miss your flight, are forced to pee in a bottle and lose your temper with the guy who just cut you up for the fifth time.

They're monsters, all three of them. Monsters with massive, stupid smartphones.

Retro video of the week

The mobile phone is most people with those in their teens and early twenties, so the decision by Boost Mobile to fill an ad with those way past retirement age does seem a little odd.

Thankfully their advancing years has prevented them from putting on a sick beat and taking it back to the hood with their homies - "yo Ethel, hit me on my beeper yeah."

Safe.

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How to update Android

Welcome to this week's Keitai round-up – this week we make sure your Android device is up to date, the world's best footballer struggles to control a phone and a warning about charging your phone at the theatre.

• Catch up on Keitai

How to update Android

This week we're showing how to update to the latest version of Android. It's pretty simple, but it may take a little bit of time so make sure not to start this when you're in a rush.

Step 1 – Do you need to update?

This all depends on a bunch of varying factors: what phone are you using? What part of the world are you in? Which network are you on?

Our top tip is to keep an eye on our Android Lollipop update tracker as that's where we will keep you up to date with the latest handsets that are compatible.

Even if you're not updating to Android Lollipop you'll be able to find if you need an update in the 'Settings' section of your phone.

This can vary from phone to phone but you'll always find it under 'Settings', then look for an option called 'Software' or 'About Phone'. Under here you'll find a tab called 'Software updates' or 'check for software update' - hit this and your phone will see if there's an update available for you.

Step 2 – Back it up

If you need to update, it's best to back up your phone at this point. Save all your photos and contacts because there is always the slightest chance this could go a little wrong. You'll find a 'Backup & reset' option in the 'Settings' app, so head there to ensure your stuff is safe.

Step 3 – Get the update

To update you just need to press the update button and wait for it to download and install. If you're on limited internet or haven't got the best connection we'd recommend waiting until you return to a Wi-Fi connection to do it.

It's going to be a chunky update taking up a little storage and eating those precious megabytes, especially if you haven't updated for quite a while. You'll also want to be near a power socket, as you don't want your device running out of juice part way through.

Step 4 – Get to know the new features

Once you've installed it, your phone will reboot and you'll be ready to rock 'n' roll. Enjoy your new software. Have a look around at all the news features you've just adopted and be sure to make good use of them.

If you've just got to Android Lollipop you'll likely find a good few design changes as well as new features. To find out everything that's new in the latest Android, read our review.

Time to shine

Winston sank down onto the floor, hooves covering his face. This was just getting ridiculous - he'd been to hell and back three or four times in the past week, and all because he'd wanted to have a BlackBerry with a touchscreen that clicked in.

He stood up, stared at the hippo menacingly for a few seconds, then galloped out of the room. He found himself in a dingy dark corridor, lights flickering long enough to illuminate the dark and filthy walls. Usually he'd panic about such things, scared of the unknown that faced him, but he couldn't carry on this world of confusion.

He charged down the narrow hall, praying to find a way out. 30 seconds later he skidded to a halt, arriving at a door that seemed to shimmer lightly around the edge. He stopped, plucked up his courage and opened it up.

------

"What do you mean you can't find him? He must be found! This cannot happen without him here!" said the gruff voice quietly, his chair firmly swung away from the collected group in his office.

"He...erm,.... he was picked up by Les Animaux. They were able to disable our suction."

The chair swung around, the hooded figure glowering at the assembled group, his eyes fiery beneath the shroud. "YOU PROMISED ME IT COULD NOT FAIL."

The scientist gulped. "Someone stole the schematics..." he began, before a large ashtray hit him in the head, knocking him to the floor.

"SILENCE!" The figure stood up quickly, casting his robe to the floor. Those left conscious in the room were forced to shield their eyes from the light - the being was brighter than anything they'd seen before.

"Get out of my way," he said, brushing past the group. "I'll get this done myself."

------

Winston gasped when he saw what was below. A cloudy fog belched beneath his feet, pollution rising up everywhere Winston could see.

He slowly walked backwards, praying he could find another way out. He pushed up against a door, that fell away behind him. He tumbled in, slightly dazed, before he could understand what he was seeing.

Row upon row of BlackBerry devices lined the walls all around, sparkling somehow from an unseen light. He could scarcely believe it - this was the room he'd dreamed about! It was real!

He slowly trotted up and grabbed the nearest box. A Bold 9900 fell out into his hoof, pristine and powered up. He started manically grabbing at anything he could find before, finally, he came upon it: A BlackBerry Storm 2.

He wrenched it from the box, sprinted from the room and threw himself into the fog.

Charging the stage

Jumping onto the stage before a play begins to charge your phone isn't the best idea. To begin with, you should have your phone turned off during the play, so there's no need to charge it during the show.

There's also the fact that as a member of the audience, you're not allowed on the stage, and climbing up there will get your promptly thrown out.

Finally, that power outlet that's part of the scenery? It's probably fake. The magic of theatre!

Scary press shot of the week

He may be a world class footballer, but Lionel Messi isn't so impressive when it comes to smartphones.

His first mistake was getting WeChat - the only person he knows on it is his grandma, and she talks FOR HOURS.

Secondly, he's not too hot on using the phone either. In fact, he's not even sure if he should look at the screen. Something about a demon stealing your soul.

Retro video of the week

The words "humour" and "Microsoft" go together as well as "cheese" and "petrol", but bless the Redmond company if it doesn't try! Here's an ageing Lumia 920 advert that shows the 'hilarious' consequences of inviting Apple and Android fanboys to a wedding that Game of Thrones fans would describe as "quite peaceful really".

Ignoring the fact that the advert seems to imply that there's no one passionate about Windows Phones, marvel as Microsoft makes fun of Apple users relying on voice-activated virtual assistant Siri (of course, Microsoft's voice-activated virtual assistant Siri Cortana is completely different), or as it pokes fun at Samsung owners using over-sized devices (as Microsoft would never release a phablet...*cough* Nokia Lumia 1320 *cough*).

Perhaps the best part of the advert is when someone shouts "Is there an app for that?" after throwing a punch, because the lack of apps on Windows Phone is definitely a selling point.

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Your weekly smartphone fun

Following hot on the heels of last week, this week's instalment of Keitai continues the contact management theme, specifically look at those of you rocking iPhones.

• Catch up on Keitai

How to transfer contacts to Google on iOS

Last week we showed you how to back up your Android contacts to your Google account, but what about if you use an iPhone?

Perhaps unsurprisingly it's not quite as simple, but it's worth doing for a number of reasons. Firstly, it's never a bad idea to have your contacts backed up to the internet in case you lose your phone.

It also means that if you make the jump from iPhone to Android (yes, it does happen), then you'll have all of your contacts ready and waiting for you on your new device.

1. Get a Gmail account

If you don't already have a Gmail account, you can quickly set one up before you begin. Even if you're drowning in email addresses you never use, having a Gmail account is handy if you use a lot of Google's services and apps, such as Chrome.

It's also pretty essential if you are changing from iOS to Android.

2. Load up iTunes

Once you've sorted a Gmail account, plug in your iPhone and launch iTunes. With your iPhone plugged in, an iPhone icon will appear towards the top of the screen, just below the playback buttons.

Click this, then click "Info". Under "Sync Contacts" it might say "Your contacts are being synced with your iPhone over the air from iCloud". If so, on your iPhone go to Settings then select "iCloud" and click the icon next to "Contacts" to stop it syncing.

3. Sync with Google

Now go back to iTunes and where it says "Sync Contacts with" you'll see a drop down box. Click this, select Google Contacts and use your Gmail log in details to sign in. Finally click "Apply" and your contacts will now be saved to Google.

If you're switching to a new Android phone, turn it on and sign in to your Google account and your contacts will be downloaded onto your new handset.

4. Synchronise your contacts to Google on your iPhone or iPad

If you're not near your computer don't worry, as you don't need to use iTunes to sync your contacts to Google – instead you can just use your iPhone or iPad (if you're running iOS 7 or later).

To do this tap on Settings then go to Mail, Contacts, Calendars. Tap "Add Account", then select Google.

Enter in your Gmail account and password and make sure that the "Contacts" setting is turned on.

You can now open your Contacts app on the iPhone or iPad and contacts will begin synching automatically.

It's happened again

Winston blinked again, vaguely aware that him waking up at the start of a scene was quickly becoming an overused narrative device.

He jolted awake as he remembered what had happened to him: a large vacuum sucking him in the forest, his body falling apart, an operation, monochrome monitors, a slightly disconcerting encounter with an old school teacher… wait, no, that last part was probably a dream.

But there was something very different, he could feel it. He felt more connected to the earth, like being transported from a bustling, steely metropolis to a peaceful forest cabin.

His vision still blinked with information, but it was minimal. There was a freedom to his movement that felt oddly light and airy - and he gasped when he looked down.

His body was back! The metallic legs and dangling wires were gone, and in their place were shiny white stallion's legs, rippling with muscle.

He gingerly tried to clamber to his feet, and found instead of a wobbly mess they were instantly strong and firm. Winston began to canter around the room, but within a few seconds had crashed into a desk and knocked over a number of monitors.

He skidded to a halt, hoping nobody would have noticed. But the door crashed open and the panther, giraffe and a studious-looking penguin came running in - staring open-mouthed at the carnage.

"Yeah, sorry about that," said Winston.

The panther waved a paw rather close to his face. "It matters not. It is just good to see you standing up. The operation was, clearly, a complete success."

"What did you do to me?" said Winston, twisting his head around to look at his body to try and discern more clues.

"Come, friend, it is better we sit and talk about that," said the panther, motioning for him to follow before slinking out the door. Winston trotted out behind, joining the powerful cat in what looked like a breakout room, complete with multi-coloured beanbags.

The panther curled up on a blue spotty number, motioning Winston to sit. "Can I offer you a smoothie?" he purred. "Please," said Winston, gratefully accepting the green concoction instantly offered to him.

The panther shifted in his seat, looking like he was trying to dredge up the courage to say something uncomfortable. "I know you must have many questions - not least about this story, which seems to be constantly shifting with no definite plot arc."

He waved a paw airily. "There is no time to talk about that now. We must discuss what happened to you - and what we were forced to do to save your life."

Now it was Winston's turn to shift uncomfortably. "That doesn't sound good...am I OK?" he asked, voice slightly quivering.

"Well…" said the panther, the pause not putting Winston at ease. "The good news is you're actually more powerful, more strong and faster than you've ever been before.

"The bad news is you're dying. Swings and roundabouts, eh?"

Does my phone look big in this?

A little treat here for you all, and a trip down memory lane for UK readers, as the infamous Dom Joly takes his oversized mobile phone out and about, reminding us just what it's like to be stuck next to that person on the train.

Simply put, this video is the definition of the worst people in the world. You know who you are.

Scary press shot of the week

Rest easy America, the Moto X is assembled in your fair land - meaning that's it's as pure an American as you, your father, and your father's father.

Trouble is, 'Made in America' may give you a boost of patriotic self confidence, but as this warning shot clearly depicts it'll be about as useful as a sinking car.

Retro video of the week

There's nothing people love more than comedy ringtones, especially when they're in a confined space and said tone is mimicking fart noises.

That is, if all those people are six years old. However, as full grown adults, anyone who laughs at this needs to be locked up.

*Stifles giggle*.

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How to transfer SIM contacts to Google

Phone contacts can be a tricky beast to master, but one of the best ways to keep all your buddies in check is have everyone's numbers saved to the cloud.

This week in Keitai we show you how to move your contacts to the cloud, Winston gets rebuilt...again, a zombie apocalypse takes over a phone network's advert and a singing cherry gets stuck in your head.

• Catch up on Keitai

How to save Android contacts to Google

Saving contacts to your Google account is a quick and easy process that can save you a lot of time and frustration later on. It means when you move to a new Android device and log in, all of your friends and family's details will be ready and waiting for you.

Plus if you switch to an iOS, Windows Phone or BlackBerry handset you can still pull your chum's details in from Google.

1. Import your contacts

Open up the Contacts app, click the menu icon (often three dots at the top­ right-hand corner) and select "Import/export".

Next you need to select "Import from SIM card", which will allow you to take the names and numbers that you have saved on your smartphone's SIM card.

2. Save your contacts to Google

A new screen will appear, letting you choose a Google account to save the contacts to. If you've signed in a number of Google accounts on your device, then you will have several options.

Just choose the account you want to store all your contacts with. A screen will now appear saying "Reading from SIM card", and your contacts will be imported.

3. Import your contacts from Google

When you need to import your contacts from your Google account, you can do so by opening up the Contacts app, clicking the menu icon and selecting 'Accounts'. Tap "Google" on the following screen, then tap on the Google account that you saved your contacts to, and make sure that "Contacts" is turned on.

• Come back next week to find out how you can import your iPhone contacts to Google – which makes changing from iOS to Android quick and easy.

Bring me the Storm

"Why do my eyes hurt?" asked Winston, blinking against the bright light shining directly at him.

The tall panther bent down towards his face and said, in an oddly gruff voice, "That's because you've never used them before."

Then a cough came from somewhere else in the room, and the panther paused before turning back to Winston. "Oh, no, wait, that's somebody else. No, your eyes hurt because you've been asleep for days and we were shining this bright light at you."

Winston shuddered again, trying to regain his thoughts. What happened to him back there? What was that explosion all about? And why was someone trying to suck him so hard in the forest?

"You must have many questions," said the panther calmly. "Which we will answer in due course. But first, you must rest - there is a lot of rebuilding to be done upon you."

Winston tried to look down, but the light created a prison wall his eyes could not penetrate. The effort of lifting his head exhausted him, and he quickly succumbed to greasy slumber.

Hours passed. The panther continued working on the shattered unicorn's frame, pulling out wires, screeching into broken limbs with a metal cutting saw and connecting various things up to oddly monochrome monitors littering the laboratory.

Above the team working on the troubled Winston floated a vast holographic schematic of the horse-like creature… well, what was left of him. His hind legs were gone, his chest a mix of red and blue flashing zones, his mane a forgotten memory where a charred set of lumps now lived.

A small parrot mopped the panther's brow as he toiled into the fifth hour of the operation - when suddenly alarms started shrieking all around.

"He's coding!" yelled a giraffe that was hunched horrendously over a monitor.

"Get me the kit!" shouted the panther, shoving aside his work station. A crocodile lumbered quickly in with a box on his back, which the panther grabbed (despite lacking opposable thumbs - just go with it) and tipped onto the floor.

He scrabbled through the contents, grabbing a Nokia 8210, a Phillips C1 and an original Motorola Dynatac. He threw them onto the table and began fusing them quickly onto the chassis that surrounded what was left of Winston's equine body.

"It's not working!" he screamed. "I need more power!"

"There's nothing left, sir," said the giraffe quietly.

The panther dropped to the floor, panting. "You know there is," he said, after a moment.

The room gasped collectively. "Sir, surely you can't mean…?"

"Yes," said the panther gravely. "Bring me the Storm".

Careful, you'll Elop it

This week we saw ex-Nokia boss Stephen Elop part ways with new employer Microsoft, so to celebrate we've dug out an interview he did a few years ago on Finnish TV.

Still boss of Nokia at the time, Elop wastes no time in chucking the host's iPhone to the floor, and then promising to replace it - WITH A NOKIA OF COURSE.

Oh Stephen, never change.

Scary press shot of the week

The zombie apocalypse has begun. One of the infected is stumbling around an abandoned school, having just torn the head off its latest victim. You can still see the terror in this poor lady's face as she came to terms with her inevitable fate.

And for some reason T-Mobile thought this gruesome scene would be perfect for an advert on video calling. Disgusting.

Retro video of the week

We've had the Dancing Pony, Singing Kitty and even a boyband Muppet - but five years ago Three UK was already making annoyingly catchy adverts which had little relevance to anything, let alone phones.

Just as you start feeling sorry for the leading lady in this advert and the blatant bullying she's having to endure, the plot twists and she becomes a cold-blooded killer.

Catchy song, though.

Proper stuff from the site

• Nokia phones may be making a comeback
• How to make Google Hangouts your default text message app
• We learn more about the OnePlus 2
• And Huawei is making the next Nexus handset

Keitai is back - and this week's instalment sees us telling you how to take a screenshot on your phone, tablet or even smartwatch. Sounds obvious - but so many people actually go to do it and realise they're not ENTIRELY sure how to do it.

Also a bad man steals some flowers and how you'll kill every contact in your phone. You're welcome.

• Catch up on Keitai

How to take a screenshot on your smartphone

Being able to capture the current screen on your smartphone can be handy, and pretty much every handset these days provides a screen capture function.

Take a screenshot on iOS

You can grab a glimpse of any screen on your iPhone, iPad and even Apple Watch by pressing the following two buttons simultaneously.

• iPhone - power and home
• iPad - power and home
• Watch - power and crown

Once you've snapped your screens head over to the Photos app and they'll be residing in the Camera Roll - if you're on the Watch you'll have to grab your iPhone to check out said photos, as they'd be pretty useless on the wrist-based wearable.

Take a screenshot on Android

With Android having multiple manufacturers things could get confusing, but thankfully most handsets follow the same structure.

You'll be able to snap a screenshot on pretty much any Android smartphone by pressing the power and volume down keys together. The main anomaly is Samsung, which copies Apple with its power and home button combination.

If your handset has a physical home key try the 'Apple method' if the power and volume combo doesn't do anything for you.

• Samsung - power and home
• LG - power and volume down
• HTC - power and volume down
• Nexus - power and volume down

All your screenshots will be saved in a "screenshots" album within the gallery app on your smartphone, and if you're using Google Photos you'll find the same album in there too.

Take a screenshot on Windows Phone

Windows Phone mixes things up slightly by requiring you to entertain the volume up key with the power button. This works for all Lumia handsets - both those made by Nokia as well as the more recent ones which sport Microsoft's logo.

Apart from that it's all very much straight forward, with the images getting saved in a screenshot album within the Photo Hub.

• Lumia - power and volume up

Take a screenshot on BlackBerry 10

Yes, even BlackBerry smartphones can capture screenshots, and it's just as simple to do on a BlackBerry 10 handset as it is on an iOS, Android or Windows device.

Grab you Z10, Q10, Q5, Z30, Leap, Classic or Passport and hit the volume up and down keys at the same time to perform the trick.

• BlackBerry - volume up and down

You'll find your screenshots in the camera folder of your handset's File Manager.

Insert image

Winston placed the Nokia 3310 phone down on the ferny floor beside him, looking quietly into the distance. Questions swirled around his mind: Who was this mystery texter? Why was someone trying to kill him? And why did Nokia ever make the 7600?

As he thought, he realised the forest was quiet. Really quiet. Not even the hooting of a stupid owl or the rustling of the breeze in the trees. Nothing - like a vacuum had descended and was sucking all the noise out of the place.

At that point Winston looked up and saw there actually was a massive nozzle pointing over the whole realm, with air pouring violently into it. He suddenly felt all fizzy, and began to panic as he saw parts of his body begin to disintegrate and fly upwards. He tried to claw onto a rock but could feel parts of him disintegrating.

His turbo-fetlocks began to shatter, wires pouring out from him. Winston's vision began to dull and blur, with myriad error messages screaming past his eyes.

Winston knew it was the end. He would never know what the Nokia 3310 mystery was all about, and whether he could resurrect the ailing BlackBerry brand. He would never get to see who would ultimately win the smartphone war - and he would never see his beloved Dahlia again.

It began to go dark. He could see his body falling into a thousand pieces. He felt a blinding shudder and then everything went dark.

***

"Sir," squeaked the small Finnish man. "We didn't get him."

The chair stayed silent, but the scientist could swear it was slightly quivering. Then he nearly jumped out of his skin when a huge fist thumped down on the table.

"FIND HIM!"

Cooking up a storm

It feels like a lifetime ago now but believe it or not, there was a time when Tim Cook wasn't CEO of Apple.

Here's his first ever launch as the CEO of the company. It was for the iPhone 4S and above is his opening speech for the show back in October 2010.

He says, "I want to welcome you to this room, that we call our town hall. This room, town hall has quite a history at Apple. Just 10 years ago we launched the original iPod here."

Sadly this wasn't where Cook got to launch his next big brand; Apple chose the Flint Centre for the Apple Watch announcement.

Scary press shot of the week

Imagine if your phone was stuffed full of people you know – and every time you added a new contact, they were squashed into your handset. Carrying around your friends and loved ones everywhere you go sounds pretty fun, doesn't it?

But what if you drop your phone? What if your device slips through your greasy fingers and plummets to the ground, and when you look down you see the broken and lifeless bodies of everyone you hold dear, pulverised and splattered like fragile humanoid egg shells?

Not so fun now is it? You monster.

Retro video of the week

Imagine being privy to the meeting where this genius advert was thought up. It must have been something akin to a scene from Mad Men.

Two men are sat on a bench, one in a lovely light suit holding flowers ready for his date's arrival, the other a naughty businessman dressed in dark hues, being boring and reading his old newspaper.

The other guy gives up on his girl and storms off, resulting in free flowers for the evil man. The Evil Man then calls his girlfriend so they can meet and he can give her the free flowers…and what is he using? It's only a ruddy Nokia phone!

It's not clear why Nokia wanted to be associated with this guy, but he's going to get his comeuppance. He sets off to give his flowers to her…but only the audience know they have the other girl's name on them. Oh, how we laughed.

Proper stuff from the site

• Apple announced iOS 9
• And Apple Music
• We went in depth with Android Auto
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Cook an English breakfast with your phone

This week in Keitai we get tummies rumbling with our guide to cooking a full English breakfast with your smartphone, Winston is the first to use Nokia's Chat service and a pop star tells a story about poo at a phone launch.

• Catch up on Keitai (formerly 7 days in phones)

How to cook a full English with your smartphone

There are loads of great recipe apps that you can download for your smartphone to give you help and inspiration while in the kitchen – and they can liven up any meal, even breakfast.

Apps like Food Network in the Kitchen, Allthecooks and Epicurious can turn your smartphone into an almost limitless cookbook with brilliant recipes from some of the best chefs in the world.

Order the ingredients

The best thing about your smartphone is that it's easy to shop for food and have it delivered straight to your door. Most supermarkets have their own apps that make buying the food you need for a full English breakfast incredibly easy.

You might have to wait a while to get it delivered, but an increasing number of stores are offering same-day delivery, so if you're smart you can order the ingredients for your breakfast the night before, and have it all ready and waiting for you when you emerge from your bed the next morning.

Fry to perfection

As any breakfast connoisseur will tell you, there's a lot more to the English breakfast than just chucking everything into a pan with a hefty glug of oil. Devices like the Cinder Sensing Cooker gives you precise control over the heat of the grill from your smartphone, allowing you to cook everything to perfection with the help of sensors and guides.

Save your bacon by cooking it just right every time by letting your smart cooker know just how crispy you like it – all from an app on your phone.

Smart baking

If you don't fancy frying everything, then you can bung some sausages and hash browns in the oven to cook. Smart ovens are becoming increasingly popular, with the LG Smart ThinQ range allowing you to remotely control your cooking from your smartphone. You can even send recipes to the oven to help it cook.

Not only can you communicate with your oven from your smartphone, but you can also use LG HomeChat to let it talk to other appliances and interact with smart home devices powered by Nest. That way, your dishwasher can make sure your pots, pans and cutlery are all washed and ready to use when you need them.

Get brewing

You can't have a full English breakfast without a cup of tea to wash it down. Devices like the iKettle allow you to boil your kettle using your smartphone from anywhere in your home, or set up a schedule so boiling water is ready and waiting when you wake up.

If coffee is more your thing, we won't judge you (too much): the Siemens Connected Coffee Maker can let you brew a cup of java straight from your phone.

1 chat received

A million things to say flowed through his mind. 'Hi wot's up'. 'U OK'. 'R U Going to Dans later' seemed to fleetingly fit, but none conveyed what he wanted to say on this iconic handset.

Then Winston did something he never thought possible. He opened the 'Chat' function on the Nokia 3310, almost laughing to himself at the thought of it working.

'U There'? He tapped in, before pressing send. He waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Quietly he put the phone down. What was he doing? It was like trying to browse the real internet or listen to an MP3 on this phone (stupid for two reasons: firstly, it takes ages and was a terrible user experience, and secondly, these features were only enabled on the 3330 variant Nokia put out and everyone knows that).

His nerdy internal monologue was shattered at that point by a sound he had never heard, the phone gurgling oddly. He looked down and let out a half neigh, half gasp: the screen read '1 chat received'.

'Clever boy. Nobody will think to look for our communication here.'

Winston paused, before tapping back 'Y did u txt who ru is ths the rason the councl gv me da chrger'.

The phone bleeped almost instantly. 'I can't tell you. But that charger was a decoy.'

'The council is trying 2 kl u.'

Deep in a Finnish bunker, the last refugees of the Nokia movement jumped up as an alarm went off. The Chat server had finally been used! Bespectacled scientists ripped off sheets of paper everywhere, before sprinting up the stairs and into the old wooden office.

'Sir, it's finally happened!' they said in English with a Finnish accent. 'The prophecy has begun!'

A poo BlackBerry launch

What better way is there to celebrate the launch of your new range of smartphones than to hold a swanky party in London and have your pop star special guest regale the crowd about the time she had a poo in a caravan?

And now ladies and gentlemen, the BlackBerry 7 smartphone collection.

Scary press shot of the week

Nothing says 'premium high-end fashion phone' than a fat man in a thin man suit.

Sadly the pasty impersonator can't quite fit his excessive gut inside said suit, making for a rather awkward photo shoot with his - we can only assume - equally fat wife who's been squashed into the skin of the girl she hated at school.

Thankfully they're both rocking highly fashionable Xelibri phones to draw your attention away from the clearly questionable ethics surrounding their outfit choices.

An offshoot Siemens launched in 2003, the premium Xelibri brand lasted no more than a year. Shocker.

Retro video of the week

Pay attention kids, here's a life lesson in basic body language.

The suited gentleman in this 1996 Ericsson mobile phone advert, let's call him Frank, thinks he's just got himself a date by merely entering a restaurant and sitting at a table.

There's a lady on the table across from him – she looks like a Mallory – and judging by her hand placement she's either on the phone, or has a chronic headache. Either way, the mere fact that Mallory's not even looking at Frank should set alarm bells ringing in his head.

Unfortunately for Frank, he has not received this important life lesson and proceeds to embarrass himself by getting mistaken for a waiter. A waiter! You can't get lower than that.

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